How Do Couples Know if the Gottman Method Is Working
For almost a century, couples therapy has played an important role in healing relationships. There’s something so powerful about sitting with your partner in the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide. One of the most popular and effective approaches in this realm is called the Gottman Method. Drs. John and Julie Gottman designed their methods to, as they say, “turn insights into action.”
However, how does a couple truly know when the Gottman Method is working? Fortunately, the method is set up with some measurable outcomes to monitor. We’ll take a look at some examples below, but first, let’s highlight a little more about what couples therapy is like when you follow the Gottman protocols.
What Are the Essential Components of the Gottman Method?
Building Love Maps: When you better understand your partner, you can compassionately navigate their inner world.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Respect and appreciation are major components of your bond.
Turning Toward Instead of Away: Each and every day, you both make “bids” to connect with the other. The Gottman approach helps respond to these bids in a way that fortifies your emotional bonds.
Managing Conflict: Disagreements are inevitable. How you react to them is a game-changer.
Creating Shared Meaning: You are two autonomous individuals with a shared purpose in life.
How Do Couples Know if the Gottman Method is Working?
You Experience Better Communication
Healthy communication is your foundation. Thus, the Gottman Method prioritizes this skill. In turn, your ability to express yourself and listen to each other empowers you to avoid the classic relationship traps.
You’re Trading Negative For Positive
Take note of your interactions. Do you recognize a decline in negative behaviors as conflict management improves? This is likely the case as Gottman Method tools are specifically designed to reduce the “four horsemen” (see next section below) while fostering mutual respect.
Keep Track of What is Increasing
At the same point, take stock in how positivity is becoming a stronger daily presence in your relationship. The moments you share may feel more meaningful and intimate. Conversations delve deeper than before, and both partners acknowledge feeling more satisfied.
If the Gottman Method is Working, the Four Horsemen Are in Decline
A hallmark concept of the Gottman Method is a collection of four behaviors known as the Four Horsemen. The behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When they are in a position of dominance, it’s hard to not recognize their impact.
These are the Four Horsemen:
Criticism: Everyone complains from time to time. In other instances, offering constructive input can be essential. What the Gottmans mean by criticism is when it becomes the norm. Some couples communicate via insults and digs. Left unchecked, it can escalate into the second horseman.
Contempt: An unexamined relationship leaves room for resentment to fester. That’s how seemingly harmless jibes turn mean and cruel. Ridicule is no way for any two people to interact, but in the case of a long-term relationship, it’s downright toxic.
Defensiveness: Living in an environment of criticism and contempt will eventually lead to defensiveness. You begin expecting the worst from each other. This dynamic has the potential to prevent partners from ever giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Stonewalling: All of the above sets your relationship on a course to stonewalling. Except for the occasional passive-aggressive gesture, your communication slides into radio silence. This is the point at which your connection is in a full-blown state of crisis.
If any version of the horsemen is present, you need to let your Gottman Method therapist know.
When the Gottman Method is Working…
You’ll identify the progress via signs like healthy communication, expression of gratitude, setting of productive boundaries, and more.
If you feel like your relationship could benefit from the Gottman Method therapy, please reach out to schedule a consultation.